blah blah blah

feeling low again
seasonal
just a phase
wait it out
dodging people like bullets
alcohol makes me more myself
and that’s frightening
I’m aware of my dangerous tendencies
to look at the floor
and not engage
make no adjustments out of fear
my mantra
the tape is always slipping
so I forget to tell myself
all the things I know that help
I came here wanting to be in love
I came here wanting to be seen
as me
meet people who were intrigued
open
looking to meet me
but people are where they are
not always as curious
as open
not always looking to be seen
and meghan said I am a disarming person
my constant searching for authentic moments
although selective
some moments are better than others
I must think
because otherwise I could sit there
like that lady with the gorillas
jane something
and observe
simply observe
not judge
witness myself like from a cloud
and actors feel
so they say
I’m supposed to feel
the whole archetype of the tortured artist
bleeding heart and no where to turn but creation
and it’s sticky
trying to create
when I feel all this resistance
but in a way it’s brilliant
double edge talked about resistance
and clown talked about buoyancy
being able to bounce
not sink
and I don’t want to be
sinking
anymore
yesterday I asked myself for help
in the bathtub
kryon speaking through cohdi’s loudspeakers
channeling some wisdom
permission
it’s all about permission
permit thyself to be.
and the struggle is so much a part of it
I knew it would be
present, the struggle
kahlil gabran says your sorrow carves more room to hold joy
and I want to believe that is true
it sounds like it is
so maybe.
I don’t want to be somebody’s fool
If I’m not being my own
I wear my clown nose for myself
to allow you in
I will not be exploited
don’t expect to laugh at me
I will let you laugh when I’m ready
to be funny
I want to be funny
and I am
hilarious
to myself
in the empty space
when I’m all dressed up
and tripping over my words
and feet
and steps I pretend not to see
and it’s brilliant
the failure
it’s majestic
the flub-ups
so I look for them
so I can have release
I look for them
so I can let you see
all the imperfections I spend so much time obscuring
I let you see
and I want to be in that space always
without performing
always
willing to jump in and save the ship from falling
like in the circus
when something unexpected happens
the clowns are sent in
to save the day
I expect that of myself
and it’s insane
to save every falling moment
from crashing
burning
in social interactions
I expect myself to be on the ball
always
ready to keep us all afloat.
and who gave me that responsibility?
why is it up to me to keep it together
keep it flowing
I may be aware of the flow
but I am not in charge of it
I want to know when to jump in
when the current presents itself
I want to jump
I want to see the opening
and go
I want to drift
I want to be moved and pushed
I want to fly for a while
be taken somewhere
I need to go
I need release
I need to let go
I need to not think so much
look so hard
I need to be shaken
slapped and shaken
spit on
I need to be reminded of who I am
all this make-believe imagined “I know what I know”
bullshit
is getting in the way
of my silence
in the way of that place where I do know
really
that I am where I need to be
and sometimes I get a flash of that
I see this spot where I am
now
from the future
just a dot on my life’s path
and I like looking at it from there
looking it at it like it was one of many experiences of my life
one of many
that influenced the person that I am to become.
try to keep your head on
try to laugh more
try to have fun
and not get in the way.
everything is truly perfect.
I’ll see it that way.
maybe not till later.
but I will.
I’ll see it my way.
soon it will be something else
we’ll all be out of the water
plopped someplace totally new
where the colors are bright
and men hold hands
and steaming chai in pots
line the dusty streets
I am here
but the journey is still waiting to begin
I have arrived but haven’t left
I am getting ready I think
to leave all this behind
so I do
say goodbye
to my insecure longing for something other that what is
I am to be content without the waiting
be whole without the “coulds” and “shoulds.”
leaping
a running start
engine trouble but it’s back on track
pushing
wheels spinning
it goes somewhere
and it takes me there too.