fish on the street, plucked chickens on tarps, flesh for sale in back alley markets, sweat shop jeans for sale and shirts and ties, american flags on the buckle, though they were all made in china. "mineral water, please?" nothing from the tap, avoiding the bacteria, foreign to my body, though it's what they steamed my rice in, washed my fruit with, i'll just cross my fingers and hope for the best.
we arrived in kolkata in the morning, several days ago, burning heat, a new climate, very different than delhi, more trees. in west bangal, they speak hindi, bangali and english, the signs in the street use all three. we meet rafique with the embassy bus, riding around in a government vehicle, the only white people in sight, we are getting used to the stares and snickers, sometimes i play with people's looks, break into clown mode, goof off. they love it.
manoj was introduced as our technical assistant but he became more of a friend, a member of our group. leaving kolkata tomorrow morning...we're sad he's not coming along.
at all of our performances he was right on the ball. translating left and right, manning the dvd projector, never missing a beat. we gave him a card today when we said goodbye.
chaos around the temple, kali the destroyer, lines around the block, anointing myself with coconut milk and taking off my shoes. peddlers pretending to be guides trying to charge us an entrance fee "this way, around the back..."
performing clown in the field in front of the stadium where 10,000 people came to watch the "escape artists from the usa" tripping and falling messing with people in line, the whole town of MIDNAPORE where rafique is from, dressed to the 9's.
......
we're being lead somewhere up some stairs, fabric on the walls, music playing, television noise, where are we? after driving 2 hours through rice fields and concrete buildings crumbling away and children sifting through gravel and paving streets and sewing garments on the highway and cows holding up traffic taking their sweet time to get from one grass hut lined side of the street to the other...after 2 hours of talking with rafique and manoj about america and gender and why we couldn't perform for the muslim boys school (they wouldn't let laura and alessandra through the doors), talking about marriage and culture and bangali's famous sweets (lots of fried gooey balls) and music and bollywood and language and haircuts...here we are in this stairway marching up and up it seems to never stop...we come to a room like a hotel room where there is tea and flowers, fragrant flowers, everywhere and packages with our names on them, handmade rugs and handkerchiefs, plaques and bows. we speak with the local officials we eat some food with our hands, and we go to set up our show.
.....
the potato man wants his picture taken. he is sitting in the lotus position, legs crossed and grinning wide, seeing us, obviously not from around here, he asks "you have camera?" and in his picture his face is beaming, i show it to him on my digital screen, his eyes twinkle, i notice that about this place, how children in india somehow all keep their twinkle into adulthood, they don't lose it somewhere, they hold on...
...
i performed today. the venue was outside and we rigged our set-up on bamboo tied securely to the cement walls of an islamic school in some misty jungle town where human rickshaws are still legal and the only cars you see are passers through...
1,000 children ages 4-17 gathered around and we improvised a show, myself included, since there were no lights to run i put on my clown nose and the yellow plaid shirt and black slacks i bought for 200 rupees on the road outside the gate, which is manned by the man selling plastic toys and razors on his best woven carpet mat. during the show, in full swing, i grabbed a kid's backpack and took a look inside, i reached in and pretended like my hand was being swallowed by some unseen evil lurking in the dark of that young boy's vinyl pack. kids screams and squealed, gaffawed and waved hello. i shook man hands and pretended like they wouldn't let go of me, like i was stuck to them, or trying to escape, i feigned panic, i mimicked fear, i fell and got dirty and i laughed at the teachers, impersonated them, i stole their pens when they weren't looking, i chased chickens and swatted flies, i flirted with girls and tried to keep my shirt tucked in. the kids roared in laughter. my heart swelled. my first official performance in india and afterwards i was signing hundred of autographs, surrounded by little reaching hands and joy-filled brown eyes and unbrushed smiles. like i was brad pitt or something. the closest they'll ever come to the american dream. after the show i was taken up on the roof of the school by the president of the academy and we stared into the distance, the abyss together and he said, "please sir. come back someday."
...
i walked by the salon, taking a break from group, seeking something all my own..."hmmm" i thought "what if...." i stayed in the salon for several hours cutting and dying and styling my head, it's now short and dark brown, spiky and fresh, with highlights of copper gold...it was a social experiment, how do i communicate with these people what i want when they have no clue what i'm saying???
the guy who spoke the most english was running around, or perhaps "flitting' would be the more appropriate word, unable to translate many of my requests...he himself had long curls and bleached blond streaks, nail polish and eye-liner and reeked of designer impostor perfume. he wore a wedding ring and although he gossipped with the other stylists about me, little whispers and giggles, he talked about a wife and his devotion to shiva. one of the men in a tight half-buttoned shirt gave me a head and face massage while we all waited for the sink to get fixed (it never did, some skinny kid with ripped shorts and no shoes who they called out from the back room came and poured warm water by the cup full over me.) i said thank you many more times than i needed to, i'm sure. all these "no no no...after you's" and "no, please i insist." all these polite words can't really console a person who bathes on the street, hangs their clothes over the fence, sells belts by the arm load and will never smell clean air.
tomorrow, by the orange smoggy sunirse of kolkata we will fly to channai. and do this some more.
.....
Wednesday, February 21, 2007
Sunday, February 18, 2007
LINK
CHECK OUT THIS!
this is a glimpse into the community across the street from the american embassy school where we'll be working with students to make a show. half the students will be prep-school, rich, children of ambassadors, and government workers from all over the world, the other half will be from this slum:
http://www.shantishop.com/vivekanand.html
ALSO:
i enabled comments on this blog. you can now add comments, thoughts, and questions.
PLEASE DO!
this is a glimpse into the community across the street from the american embassy school where we'll be working with students to make a show. half the students will be prep-school, rich, children of ambassadors, and government workers from all over the world, the other half will be from this slum:
http://www.shantishop.com/vivekanand.html
ALSO:
i enabled comments on this blog. you can now add comments, thoughts, and questions.
PLEASE DO!
delhi
seeing the cows in the road, on the dirt, piles of trash they're walking through, birds perched on their sleeping backs, and smelling chai, steaming in copper pots, somewhere, and men gathered 'round with children peeking through, trying to get a look some television in a window, we walk by, and they stare, point, and laugh, and speak the english that they know "hello" "good day to you." market after market, and walls crumbling, fruit and vegetables for sale on cloths, spread out on the ground, the seller arrangeing his pieces nicely, everyone wants to make a sale. children slim boned, arms like broomsticks, motioning for something to eat, running, doing kartwheels, flipping, acrobatics learned on the street, a trick, something to get a coin, left-overs, anything to take home to the family. it's their act, they see us coming and in hindi a brother shouts to his dusty sibling "go!" men with red bettle-nut "paan" in their teeth, a stimulant, they smile, greet you, beg for money with their red smiles, their red desparation. walking up the steps and taking off our shoes to enter the largest muslim temple around. so peacful and quiet is the contrast to the screaming, horn honking, babies crying and poker-playing fathers betting...we relax. sit on the ground. absorb the silence. birds are being fed by a woman with seeds in her pouch, she has the most beautiful "sari" on, bright colors, oranges and pink, make-up, a "bindi" jewel on her brow.
we get back on the subway, a new underground train, looks just like new yorks, except all the ads in our car are for condoms and bollywood. we zoom back to someplace closer where we will take a "tuk-tuk" home. but no...the adventure, is not over, i've got more energy thanks to the chai, momentum is gaining speed, i say "i'll meet you guys back at the hostel" and i venture off, away from the group, i'm alone. my "tuk-tuk" (three wheeled green and yellow motorized cart) tail-gates it's way to lodi garden, where i tell the man to stop and i pay him his 70 rupies.
walking around solo now, taking it all in on my own. no one to share it with and so it all sticks. without the context of someone else's amazed eyes to bounce back and forth from, i allow myself to breathe and notice, converse with strangers without any idea of time. i play a game with myself. i'll ask everyone i meet to point me towards their favorite place to eat. this becomes a maze, i weave around around the neighborhood, circling past the same flowershops, man on the ground peircing ears, children making bracelets, past the animal bodies, open rib cages, hanging in the window....i keep walking.
i find myself at a fancy western restaurant. everyone speaks perfect english. the owner, i tell him i'm here with "the circus" and he says "what for, india IS a circus." we laugh. i eat pasta and bread, wine and tea. one man sitting next to me leans over "my parents say hot and cold is no good. bad for your health." i say "wine makes me sleepy. tea wakes me up!" we laugh at that, he sees my logic, he has a sweet face.
after dinner, a man in a tuk-tuk is waiting to talk to me. he sees me coming and i see him. we talk about america, george bush and 9-11. we talk about pakistan and hollywood, i say i'm from california and his eyes wake-up like i'm waving a million dollars in his face. he takes me to a shop where his friend works, he wants me to spend money but i don't. he wants me to get back in his tuk-tuk but i don't. when he's looking away i sneak off and walk some more.
the electrical lines are a mess, so messy, they become art. they cross that line. sculptures of knotted wires, entangled, obscene, right above my head.
two children run up and motion for food (little clawed hands bouncing back and forth from their mouths)...i start making hand motions of my own, and they laugh at me. it becomes a game, their claws and mine. like a puppet show, or pattycake, we're playing, store-keepers are watching me, everyone smiles.
when i return to the hostel i collapse. in the morning i call home and attempt to put the experience in my mouth. i say what i can, the way i can, and i start the day.
we get back on the subway, a new underground train, looks just like new yorks, except all the ads in our car are for condoms and bollywood. we zoom back to someplace closer where we will take a "tuk-tuk" home. but no...the adventure, is not over, i've got more energy thanks to the chai, momentum is gaining speed, i say "i'll meet you guys back at the hostel" and i venture off, away from the group, i'm alone. my "tuk-tuk" (three wheeled green and yellow motorized cart) tail-gates it's way to lodi garden, where i tell the man to stop and i pay him his 70 rupies.
walking around solo now, taking it all in on my own. no one to share it with and so it all sticks. without the context of someone else's amazed eyes to bounce back and forth from, i allow myself to breathe and notice, converse with strangers without any idea of time. i play a game with myself. i'll ask everyone i meet to point me towards their favorite place to eat. this becomes a maze, i weave around around the neighborhood, circling past the same flowershops, man on the ground peircing ears, children making bracelets, past the animal bodies, open rib cages, hanging in the window....i keep walking.
i find myself at a fancy western restaurant. everyone speaks perfect english. the owner, i tell him i'm here with "the circus" and he says "what for, india IS a circus." we laugh. i eat pasta and bread, wine and tea. one man sitting next to me leans over "my parents say hot and cold is no good. bad for your health." i say "wine makes me sleepy. tea wakes me up!" we laugh at that, he sees my logic, he has a sweet face.
after dinner, a man in a tuk-tuk is waiting to talk to me. he sees me coming and i see him. we talk about america, george bush and 9-11. we talk about pakistan and hollywood, i say i'm from california and his eyes wake-up like i'm waving a million dollars in his face. he takes me to a shop where his friend works, he wants me to spend money but i don't. he wants me to get back in his tuk-tuk but i don't. when he's looking away i sneak off and walk some more.
the electrical lines are a mess, so messy, they become art. they cross that line. sculptures of knotted wires, entangled, obscene, right above my head.
two children run up and motion for food (little clawed hands bouncing back and forth from their mouths)...i start making hand motions of my own, and they laugh at me. it becomes a game, their claws and mine. like a puppet show, or pattycake, we're playing, store-keepers are watching me, everyone smiles.
when i return to the hostel i collapse. in the morning i call home and attempt to put the experience in my mouth. i say what i can, the way i can, and i start the day.
Friday, February 16, 2007
INDIA HAPPENS.
here i am in new delhi. breakfast sitting in my belly. twisted trees making shady splotches on the wall outside my window. the plane rides were long. on the flight to germany we sat behind the babies row, that is the second row when traveling economy, and their crying and screaming combined with the impossibly stuffy hot temperature and cramped seating made sleep impossible. we arrived in frankfurt at 11:15 on the morning of the 16th. there were images of j.lo on the tv in the terminal as we waited to board for india. watching international news with a bunch of europeans and eastern indians and seeing america on tv, like we're some shining star is a real trip. glitz and glam and plastic smiles, as if everyone in america owned a lexus.
i slept on the plane to delhi missing the bollywood films and the second meal. i went to the bathroom, leaving my bags with the group as were waiting in line in customs. my first mini-culture shock was seeing the toilets. holes in the ground with a little cup for rinsing, well, you're you know what. luckily in the airport there was a second stall, with its door reading: "european" and these ones were the porceline thrones i'm used to from home. when i went to wash my hands a man appeared. a small indian man with a kind face. he pushed the faucet on for me. and then pushed the button that dispenses soap. and then he pushed the faucet on again and handed me a paper towel. i nodded and got back in line.
the guy at the currency exchange line gave laura who was ahead of me exchanged currency for her measly $15 american. i was next and i handed him the little money i had, $35. he said, "no sir, nothing under a hundred." and he shooed me away. moments like these are called "indian moments" by cohdi's dad, who greeted our flight. the people here are unpredictable, schedules, commitments, protocall, they're all subject to change on whim. the drive to the hostel was like mr. toad's wild ride. tail-gating is commonplace. we rode the back of several three-wheeled taxis before they either moved or sped up. there was a bus driving in the opposite direction on our one-way street, the driver swerved to avoid colliding with us, but kept on driving the wrong way. people take "short cuts" all the time, gene (cohdi's dad) says, the cops don't mind unless you hit someone.
he checked into our hostel and showered and brushed teeth. cohdi and i wrote in our journals next to eachother, he in his rock-hard single bed and me in mine. i don't mind the beds here, i like em firm anyhow.
this morning i awoke to the sounds of birds, and some one outside sweeping, and motorbikes zooming by, and conversations in hindi, all outside our bedroom window. outside we walked to meet cohdi's dad for breakfast. we stopped only for chai, and to pose with some smiling indian women who wanted to take our picture.
cohdi's dad works for the international school and walking into his apartment (owned by the embassy, for teachers to live in) it was like walking back into the usa for a bit. the whole world changed while we ate fruit and quiche and chatted about george bush and stretched in the living room discussing globalization.
today is still young. it's 11:45am on tuesday feb. 17th. day 1. who knows what we'll do. i think the plan is to go exploring. see what we find. gene has SKYPE a web-based phone system, so i called home, but missed my family. weird to think that right now it's yesterday there, that it's night and not day, that i'm somewhere in their future.
more to come. much much more.
i slept on the plane to delhi missing the bollywood films and the second meal. i went to the bathroom, leaving my bags with the group as were waiting in line in customs. my first mini-culture shock was seeing the toilets. holes in the ground with a little cup for rinsing, well, you're you know what. luckily in the airport there was a second stall, with its door reading: "european" and these ones were the porceline thrones i'm used to from home. when i went to wash my hands a man appeared. a small indian man with a kind face. he pushed the faucet on for me. and then pushed the button that dispenses soap. and then he pushed the faucet on again and handed me a paper towel. i nodded and got back in line.
the guy at the currency exchange line gave laura who was ahead of me exchanged currency for her measly $15 american. i was next and i handed him the little money i had, $35. he said, "no sir, nothing under a hundred." and he shooed me away. moments like these are called "indian moments" by cohdi's dad, who greeted our flight. the people here are unpredictable, schedules, commitments, protocall, they're all subject to change on whim. the drive to the hostel was like mr. toad's wild ride. tail-gating is commonplace. we rode the back of several three-wheeled taxis before they either moved or sped up. there was a bus driving in the opposite direction on our one-way street, the driver swerved to avoid colliding with us, but kept on driving the wrong way. people take "short cuts" all the time, gene (cohdi's dad) says, the cops don't mind unless you hit someone.
he checked into our hostel and showered and brushed teeth. cohdi and i wrote in our journals next to eachother, he in his rock-hard single bed and me in mine. i don't mind the beds here, i like em firm anyhow.
this morning i awoke to the sounds of birds, and some one outside sweeping, and motorbikes zooming by, and conversations in hindi, all outside our bedroom window. outside we walked to meet cohdi's dad for breakfast. we stopped only for chai, and to pose with some smiling indian women who wanted to take our picture.
cohdi's dad works for the international school and walking into his apartment (owned by the embassy, for teachers to live in) it was like walking back into the usa for a bit. the whole world changed while we ate fruit and quiche and chatted about george bush and stretched in the living room discussing globalization.
today is still young. it's 11:45am on tuesday feb. 17th. day 1. who knows what we'll do. i think the plan is to go exploring. see what we find. gene has SKYPE a web-based phone system, so i called home, but missed my family. weird to think that right now it's yesterday there, that it's night and not day, that i'm somewhere in their future.
more to come. much much more.
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
christmas in sante fe
in new mexico, everything is drenched in chile. green or red. if you get both it's called "christmas." i'm sitting here, borrowing amanda's laptop, in this adorable little restaurant right around the corner from where her and sarah-jane are staying, the same place i stayed when i came here last summer for their wedding. it was that place i brought cohdi to after the wedding party, it was that place where this whole thing kinda began. i ordered a breakfast burrito "christmas" style. so i could sit here and write this and reflect. things are kinda coming full circle.
i hadn't checked my myspace account in a few days. i got a message from my friend meghan saying when she realized it was feb. 11th she was looking at my name in her journal...the number 11, as a lot of people in my life know, has always been a good sign. and dita, my friend from double edge theatre, wrote me another "myspace comment" saying she woke up today at 11:11 and SHE thought of me. people are seeing 11 and thinking of me. cool. i feel like that's a good thing for sure. yep, i think i'm right where i need to be.
funny, not only am i staying with sarah-jane and amanda's friend kathy for a few days, just like my first trip here, i also got dropped off yesterday at the sante fe center for contemporary arts, to see a viewing of VOLVER a new film, i've been waiting to see, and that is the same location that they got married at! it's like i'm being re-introdced to the sante fe i first saw, not "cohdi's sante fe" whatever that place was for me...but now i'm seeing it again as i saw it before, and it's showing itself to me with all this new-found mystery, awe and inspiration. there was a strange art installation at the gallery attached to the movie theatre. there were hundreds of pig nipples on the wall. and fish heads on the floor. ceramic tails and heads and animal parts making shadows on the wall, and paths on the ground, walking trails made of hoofs, fins and eyeballs. the movie was a melodrama, beautifully filmed and acted, sad story. i sat outside afterwards, waiting for the girls to pick me up, sitting there in my melancholy, reading my peter pan book, which i've been slipping into my reality here since it all began, little folds and creases of magic and make believe, weaved into the chaos. a chapeter a week, not even. i let each sentance last a minute. it's like medicine.
they picked me up and we went to a potluck. there was a man there who was a ringling bros. clown professionally and he just got back working with "kids first" in the middle east as a clown ambassador. there are so many amazing contacts here in new mexico, new friends, projects that are really exciting, artists getting incredible funding...self-sustaining artists...creativity everywhere. new ideas...
at the potluck two woman spontaneously got up and did a reading of a play one of them just wrote, a little 5 minute scene. it was so cool to see adults and people who are established here doing this kind of thing, sharing their work, playing, lauging, i watched a video of children putting on a show in front of ruins somewhere on the other side of the world. there was a check mark on the wall behind their little make-shift stage...the check mark meant someone had checked it for landmines and hidden bombs...i guess the area they were in was cleared.
we came back home after the potluck and stayed up late talking and laughing.
some background: sarah-jane (dear friend from DELL'ARTE) and amanda (her honey) weren't planning on being back from brazil before we left for india, but sarah-jane's health wasn't so good, and so they left their project early (they were working with OPA, an organization that teaches physical theatre and circus arts to underpriviledged kids on the beaches of sunny brazil)...she's come back to "the land of healers" to get some advice from doctors she knows, and some alternative methods, whatever does the trick. funny thing is, she keeps calling her doctors she's worked with and trusted for years, and they are too sick to take calls or make appointments. still, they both agree it was the right idea to come back home. be around friends. something familiar. i hope she gets well soon. it's so great to see them. i love them both dearly.
i go back up the hill to penasco today. i have to buy some items for the trip (we're leaving on thursday!!!)...i have been down here in sante fe since sunday, and once again, it's been so refreshing to have some space, some time away.
things right now are exciting, fresh, i feel renewed, lucky to have friends near me, i'm gathering energy right now for the journey, re-fueling.
on the phone last night cohdi said he misses me, that it feels like i've been gone a long time and he loves me. that's the first time he's said that since i've gotten here. the timing felt right though, strangely. and hearing it was easy, and saying i love you too, was simple. there wasn't a lot of weight attached. it just happened. on it's own. love doesn't have to be heavy. it can roll off, wash over you like sunlight, you can bask in it, let it absorb. it doesn't have to hit you hard, you can
feel it on you, without taking the blow.
whatever. love. i have love. i have love for cohdi. and so many other wonderful people in my life. i can express it. i can house that love and share it. love is good.
there's a church nearby at chimayo (pronounced: chim-aye-oh) that has magic dirt. people come from all over to touch it, take a bit home, there's a hole in the floor in the sanctuary, and you just reach in, i guess. it heals you. a girl i met was telling me, the hole in the floor runs out, and so they just dig around behind the church to fill it back up. some worker does that each day, every morning, before visting hours begin. doesn't that mean all the dirt is magical? not just the dirt in the magic dirt hole? why aren't people rubbing their hands in the same stuff out in front of the post office?
magic dirt, and christmas burritos. clowns on planes to change the world. love and emotions and feelings and joy through a prism. light broken up, the image obscured.
we see what we can from where we are. we reach in a grab a handful and so the healing begins.
maybe the healing is in the reaching. it's not in what you grab.
i hadn't checked my myspace account in a few days. i got a message from my friend meghan saying when she realized it was feb. 11th she was looking at my name in her journal...the number 11, as a lot of people in my life know, has always been a good sign. and dita, my friend from double edge theatre, wrote me another "myspace comment" saying she woke up today at 11:11 and SHE thought of me. people are seeing 11 and thinking of me. cool. i feel like that's a good thing for sure. yep, i think i'm right where i need to be.
funny, not only am i staying with sarah-jane and amanda's friend kathy for a few days, just like my first trip here, i also got dropped off yesterday at the sante fe center for contemporary arts, to see a viewing of VOLVER a new film, i've been waiting to see, and that is the same location that they got married at! it's like i'm being re-introdced to the sante fe i first saw, not "cohdi's sante fe" whatever that place was for me...but now i'm seeing it again as i saw it before, and it's showing itself to me with all this new-found mystery, awe and inspiration. there was a strange art installation at the gallery attached to the movie theatre. there were hundreds of pig nipples on the wall. and fish heads on the floor. ceramic tails and heads and animal parts making shadows on the wall, and paths on the ground, walking trails made of hoofs, fins and eyeballs. the movie was a melodrama, beautifully filmed and acted, sad story. i sat outside afterwards, waiting for the girls to pick me up, sitting there in my melancholy, reading my peter pan book, which i've been slipping into my reality here since it all began, little folds and creases of magic and make believe, weaved into the chaos. a chapeter a week, not even. i let each sentance last a minute. it's like medicine.
they picked me up and we went to a potluck. there was a man there who was a ringling bros. clown professionally and he just got back working with "kids first" in the middle east as a clown ambassador. there are so many amazing contacts here in new mexico, new friends, projects that are really exciting, artists getting incredible funding...self-sustaining artists...creativity everywhere. new ideas...
at the potluck two woman spontaneously got up and did a reading of a play one of them just wrote, a little 5 minute scene. it was so cool to see adults and people who are established here doing this kind of thing, sharing their work, playing, lauging, i watched a video of children putting on a show in front of ruins somewhere on the other side of the world. there was a check mark on the wall behind their little make-shift stage...the check mark meant someone had checked it for landmines and hidden bombs...i guess the area they were in was cleared.
we came back home after the potluck and stayed up late talking and laughing.
some background: sarah-jane (dear friend from DELL'ARTE) and amanda (her honey) weren't planning on being back from brazil before we left for india, but sarah-jane's health wasn't so good, and so they left their project early (they were working with OPA, an organization that teaches physical theatre and circus arts to underpriviledged kids on the beaches of sunny brazil)...she's come back to "the land of healers" to get some advice from doctors she knows, and some alternative methods, whatever does the trick. funny thing is, she keeps calling her doctors she's worked with and trusted for years, and they are too sick to take calls or make appointments. still, they both agree it was the right idea to come back home. be around friends. something familiar. i hope she gets well soon. it's so great to see them. i love them both dearly.
i go back up the hill to penasco today. i have to buy some items for the trip (we're leaving on thursday!!!)...i have been down here in sante fe since sunday, and once again, it's been so refreshing to have some space, some time away.
things right now are exciting, fresh, i feel renewed, lucky to have friends near me, i'm gathering energy right now for the journey, re-fueling.
on the phone last night cohdi said he misses me, that it feels like i've been gone a long time and he loves me. that's the first time he's said that since i've gotten here. the timing felt right though, strangely. and hearing it was easy, and saying i love you too, was simple. there wasn't a lot of weight attached. it just happened. on it's own. love doesn't have to be heavy. it can roll off, wash over you like sunlight, you can bask in it, let it absorb. it doesn't have to hit you hard, you can
feel it on you, without taking the blow.
whatever. love. i have love. i have love for cohdi. and so many other wonderful people in my life. i can express it. i can house that love and share it. love is good.
there's a church nearby at chimayo (pronounced: chim-aye-oh) that has magic dirt. people come from all over to touch it, take a bit home, there's a hole in the floor in the sanctuary, and you just reach in, i guess. it heals you. a girl i met was telling me, the hole in the floor runs out, and so they just dig around behind the church to fill it back up. some worker does that each day, every morning, before visting hours begin. doesn't that mean all the dirt is magical? not just the dirt in the magic dirt hole? why aren't people rubbing their hands in the same stuff out in front of the post office?
magic dirt, and christmas burritos. clowns on planes to change the world. love and emotions and feelings and joy through a prism. light broken up, the image obscured.
we see what we can from where we are. we reach in a grab a handful and so the healing begins.
maybe the healing is in the reaching. it's not in what you grab.
Saturday, February 10, 2007
opening night ESCAPE ARTIST!
well, we did it. our first show.
before i went up into my tech booth, we huddled together, shared a good pre-show moment. that was nice.
watching the audience file in (a small but mighty crowd, pretty good considering we didn't do any offical advertising), i got really excited.
alessandra came up the ladder to take her place (there's access to the roof from there, and her entrance is from above, thru the skylight in the theatre, and down a long white rope.
we hugged and said "have a good show." her and i are warming up to eachother i think. for a while there i think we just weren't sure how to do that.
the show ran so smoothly. i loved watching it tonight. they were really on it. it totally came together in the last few days, like it seems to always do, and i can certainly say i am proud to be bringing this show to the other side of the world with these people.
after the show, cohdi and i shared a cigarette, which we do now and then, mostly when i've had a drink or two (tonight it was whiskey, hot water and honey.) we chatted about india, he said he's glad i'm coming with him.
tomorrow night i think i'm doing a pre-show act as alvin, my clown. something improvised. we'll see what happens. i'm trying not to get nervous about it.
another thing, there's been talk about making a show to bring to the oregon country fair this summer. that would mean coming back here, maybe getting a little coffee job in taos or something, while we make something, the four of us, this time, with me as a performer.
i like this idea. i told them if they wanted me, i'd for sure do it. and they say they want me. clown or no clown. they want to see, as i do, what collaborating would look like.
there's this guy gard (pronounced "gay-erd")who comes by now and then to shower here and do his laundry. he and his family live in a trailer near by without running water. they have a baby and a 4 year old, who is so precious. she has a shaved head and she gave me a sticker tonight before she left. we talk a lot. she's very talkative. sometimes i think i'd rather talk to her than any of the adults. and i wonder if that's a weird thing to think. we have good talks.
gard sounds like he's from germany, he's got a shaved head too, except for these two little puffs of hair on either side of his head, kinda like horns, only more like a clown wig, little tuffs...i tell him all the time to take one of the clown noses (i have 200, after all).
i made an outline for my clown workshops. i think going in the "character clown" direction is much better than just a lot of silly games, and everyone putting on funny clothes and me designing routines for 45 students. i like the idea of each student finding their funny side, bringing out the most ridiculous side of their personality, flaunting it, sharing it, and seeing what material we can create out of what they're bringing to the table. it's going to be a challenge in only 10 days, but even if everyone only finds one thing (a gesture, a facial expression, a sound, a walk) that's funny...perhaps we can spend the week developing those "starting points" into something (a funny hip swinging walk turns into a stuffed behind, a funny sneeze turns into a character with glasses and a hanky, an alergy ridden dork)...we'll have to wait and see. i just couldn't get into any of the "clown games for kids" i was reading and researching.
i'm going to trust my gut on this one. it'll be a challenge but it's what i know. character clown, not birtday clown, or circus clown, is what i know. so that's that.
cohdi and laura got their visas today finally. we were all really stressing. it's been quite an ordeal with the consulate. lots of faxes and unanswered phone calls.
tomorrow night after the show there's a band playing, they're called "ray charles ives." they sound pretty groovy, i'm stoked.
that means it'll be a party also, so i'm sure the night will result is some wildness (note: an interesting blog).
it's almost 2:30am and i am ready to crash.
what a good night. what a good show.
going to bed with lots of good feelings about the adventure which lies ahead.
before i went up into my tech booth, we huddled together, shared a good pre-show moment. that was nice.
watching the audience file in (a small but mighty crowd, pretty good considering we didn't do any offical advertising), i got really excited.
alessandra came up the ladder to take her place (there's access to the roof from there, and her entrance is from above, thru the skylight in the theatre, and down a long white rope.
we hugged and said "have a good show." her and i are warming up to eachother i think. for a while there i think we just weren't sure how to do that.
the show ran so smoothly. i loved watching it tonight. they were really on it. it totally came together in the last few days, like it seems to always do, and i can certainly say i am proud to be bringing this show to the other side of the world with these people.
after the show, cohdi and i shared a cigarette, which we do now and then, mostly when i've had a drink or two (tonight it was whiskey, hot water and honey.) we chatted about india, he said he's glad i'm coming with him.
tomorrow night i think i'm doing a pre-show act as alvin, my clown. something improvised. we'll see what happens. i'm trying not to get nervous about it.
another thing, there's been talk about making a show to bring to the oregon country fair this summer. that would mean coming back here, maybe getting a little coffee job in taos or something, while we make something, the four of us, this time, with me as a performer.
i like this idea. i told them if they wanted me, i'd for sure do it. and they say they want me. clown or no clown. they want to see, as i do, what collaborating would look like.
there's this guy gard (pronounced "gay-erd")who comes by now and then to shower here and do his laundry. he and his family live in a trailer near by without running water. they have a baby and a 4 year old, who is so precious. she has a shaved head and she gave me a sticker tonight before she left. we talk a lot. she's very talkative. sometimes i think i'd rather talk to her than any of the adults. and i wonder if that's a weird thing to think. we have good talks.
gard sounds like he's from germany, he's got a shaved head too, except for these two little puffs of hair on either side of his head, kinda like horns, only more like a clown wig, little tuffs...i tell him all the time to take one of the clown noses (i have 200, after all).
i made an outline for my clown workshops. i think going in the "character clown" direction is much better than just a lot of silly games, and everyone putting on funny clothes and me designing routines for 45 students. i like the idea of each student finding their funny side, bringing out the most ridiculous side of their personality, flaunting it, sharing it, and seeing what material we can create out of what they're bringing to the table. it's going to be a challenge in only 10 days, but even if everyone only finds one thing (a gesture, a facial expression, a sound, a walk) that's funny...perhaps we can spend the week developing those "starting points" into something (a funny hip swinging walk turns into a stuffed behind, a funny sneeze turns into a character with glasses and a hanky, an alergy ridden dork)...we'll have to wait and see. i just couldn't get into any of the "clown games for kids" i was reading and researching.
i'm going to trust my gut on this one. it'll be a challenge but it's what i know. character clown, not birtday clown, or circus clown, is what i know. so that's that.
cohdi and laura got their visas today finally. we were all really stressing. it's been quite an ordeal with the consulate. lots of faxes and unanswered phone calls.
tomorrow night after the show there's a band playing, they're called "ray charles ives." they sound pretty groovy, i'm stoked.
that means it'll be a party also, so i'm sure the night will result is some wildness (note: an interesting blog).
it's almost 2:30am and i am ready to crash.
what a good night. what a good show.
going to bed with lots of good feelings about the adventure which lies ahead.
Friday, February 09, 2007
new clothes
i went to the penasco dump today and in their "re-use center" (an adobe building, covered with spray-paint faces and skulls) and i got a bunch of funky clown clothes to take with us to india. let's see, there's the over-sized bubble gum pink prom dress, the purple jumpsuit, the metalic blouse, the orange board shorts...good stuff. we leave in 6 days. that is so unimaginable.
after the dump i walked to the ice cream parlor and ordered a cone and a scratcher. i sat and ate it with the owner sitting at my table next to me, as we watched fuzzy soap operas and i scratched at my lottery ticket (no win).
the show opens tonight. my techie duties are all recorded on my cue sheets i spent all afternoon yeterday typing up. my little tech booth (the old projection booth, in the theatre) feels homey, i like it. you have to climb a ladder to get up there, but it's nice, there's a window, and it's all my domain.
we had a run-thru last night. a few minor gliches, we hope to work out tonight before the show. i had one or two late cues. it'll be in good shape tonight. i feel good about it.
today we've still got to sweep the theatre, mop, vacuum the carpets, wash the seats. tidy up the loby display...it's so exciting and i feel so nostalgic and happy being "a part of a show." it reminds me of that feeling before every show i've ever done, me as tiny tim, 7 years old, all dressed up and made up, waiting backstage to go on.
things with cohdi and i are fine. nothing too special. kinda distant, but friendly. like we're business partners. he's not feeling well and i sometimes feel the urge to comfort him, be someone he can lean on, but i resist. i think i'm protecting myself.
it's odd. spending a lot of time in groups. with our various clearly defined roles...it makes things less about us. as a pair. a relationship. i am the tech guy (i need a tech guy hat, haha) and that's why i'm here. i don't feel sad about this. i feel relieved that there is some clarity, something concrete, a real reason for my being here.
i wonder what it looks like to him. me pulling away? maybe. he's not getting a lot of individual attention from me these days. not a lot of one-on-one time either, so things kinda just float along. not really evolving, just staying safely beyond arms reach.
if we do share a moment, like a goodbye, or an empty kitchen, tea kettle moment...then sometimes there's an urge to talk about it. what "we've" become. but i again, resist. resisting the "we" conversation. or any "we" thoughts. for now at least.
for now.
after the dump i walked to the ice cream parlor and ordered a cone and a scratcher. i sat and ate it with the owner sitting at my table next to me, as we watched fuzzy soap operas and i scratched at my lottery ticket (no win).
the show opens tonight. my techie duties are all recorded on my cue sheets i spent all afternoon yeterday typing up. my little tech booth (the old projection booth, in the theatre) feels homey, i like it. you have to climb a ladder to get up there, but it's nice, there's a window, and it's all my domain.
we had a run-thru last night. a few minor gliches, we hope to work out tonight before the show. i had one or two late cues. it'll be in good shape tonight. i feel good about it.
today we've still got to sweep the theatre, mop, vacuum the carpets, wash the seats. tidy up the loby display...it's so exciting and i feel so nostalgic and happy being "a part of a show." it reminds me of that feeling before every show i've ever done, me as tiny tim, 7 years old, all dressed up and made up, waiting backstage to go on.
things with cohdi and i are fine. nothing too special. kinda distant, but friendly. like we're business partners. he's not feeling well and i sometimes feel the urge to comfort him, be someone he can lean on, but i resist. i think i'm protecting myself.
it's odd. spending a lot of time in groups. with our various clearly defined roles...it makes things less about us. as a pair. a relationship. i am the tech guy (i need a tech guy hat, haha) and that's why i'm here. i don't feel sad about this. i feel relieved that there is some clarity, something concrete, a real reason for my being here.
i wonder what it looks like to him. me pulling away? maybe. he's not getting a lot of individual attention from me these days. not a lot of one-on-one time either, so things kinda just float along. not really evolving, just staying safely beyond arms reach.
if we do share a moment, like a goodbye, or an empty kitchen, tea kettle moment...then sometimes there's an urge to talk about it. what "we've" become. but i again, resist. resisting the "we" conversation. or any "we" thoughts. for now at least.
for now.
Sunday, February 04, 2007
sunday 12:51
not in penasco. i'm in sante fe. with people cohdi doesn't know and it feels good to be here. have some space. give him some. let my emotions rest. let myself relax and laugh with fun people. down to earth people. happy people.
my friend from placerville, jesslyn, just happens to be in new mexico this week, and her friends she's staying with came and picked me up in penasco, over an hour drive, and so i'm here for a few days, and it is lovely being away. her friends are swell.
i feel a little more like i'm back in my life. not a visitor, someone who was invited to stay. i'm a friend. someone's friend. and i'm here and appreciated, and they like me a lot, they tell me that. and it's silly, but it feels so good to be hearing that, to feel affirmed like that. i'm an okay guy. and people appreciate me.
it's sunny outside too. and there's good music playing in their house.
the pipes back in penasco broke which means no running water until someone can fix it. when i left they were melting snow on the wood stove so they could flush the toilets. man, i'm glad to get out of there.
talking with people about theater and clowning, people without expectations or prior knowledge of me, this new circle, and connecting from NOW, not some ambiguous BEFORE place.
i talked to a guy here about a 10 day meditation retreat, it's the second time it's been mentioned around me this week, it sounds great. no talking, no eye contact with anyone, complete silence and reflection, for 10 days. you stay for free and they feed you delicious food. i want to do it this summer. i will.
i had a dream last night which my parents were in, we were all at burning man, but it looked like my old high school football feild. and there was a speaker talking about a couple's cruise, and my mom leaned over to my dad and said, oh let's do that. and i walked to the bathroom to wash the clay mask i had all over my face off. and the shower had a statue next to it that spoke about VIRGO's needing to be saved that they were the people of the harvest, and needed tending to. cohdi's a virgo, and in the dream i didn't make that connection. i had a camera, too, that got water in it, so i was drying it out, so it would work again, and the light was on, and that was a bad thing.
i woke up to jesslyn jumping on me and telling me it was time to get up and go to breakfast. it was divine.
a good new mexico breakfast always does the trick.
my friend from placerville, jesslyn, just happens to be in new mexico this week, and her friends she's staying with came and picked me up in penasco, over an hour drive, and so i'm here for a few days, and it is lovely being away. her friends are swell.
i feel a little more like i'm back in my life. not a visitor, someone who was invited to stay. i'm a friend. someone's friend. and i'm here and appreciated, and they like me a lot, they tell me that. and it's silly, but it feels so good to be hearing that, to feel affirmed like that. i'm an okay guy. and people appreciate me.
it's sunny outside too. and there's good music playing in their house.
the pipes back in penasco broke which means no running water until someone can fix it. when i left they were melting snow on the wood stove so they could flush the toilets. man, i'm glad to get out of there.
talking with people about theater and clowning, people without expectations or prior knowledge of me, this new circle, and connecting from NOW, not some ambiguous BEFORE place.
i talked to a guy here about a 10 day meditation retreat, it's the second time it's been mentioned around me this week, it sounds great. no talking, no eye contact with anyone, complete silence and reflection, for 10 days. you stay for free and they feed you delicious food. i want to do it this summer. i will.
i had a dream last night which my parents were in, we were all at burning man, but it looked like my old high school football feild. and there was a speaker talking about a couple's cruise, and my mom leaned over to my dad and said, oh let's do that. and i walked to the bathroom to wash the clay mask i had all over my face off. and the shower had a statue next to it that spoke about VIRGO's needing to be saved that they were the people of the harvest, and needed tending to. cohdi's a virgo, and in the dream i didn't make that connection. i had a camera, too, that got water in it, so i was drying it out, so it would work again, and the light was on, and that was a bad thing.
i woke up to jesslyn jumping on me and telling me it was time to get up and go to breakfast. it was divine.
a good new mexico breakfast always does the trick.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
trust and tears
last night after some strangely massochistic act of self torture (reading letters cohdi and i wrote each other months ago...leading up to my coming here, filled with anticipation, romance, expression...) i marched over there to cry against the bump his shoulder made, and try the best i could to articulate why i was in pain. after some good old fashioned spilling my guts out, i got some clarity about where he's coming from.
WHAT HE WANTS: for it to be easy. not awkard. not tense. for it to flow. for it to happen organically, whatever happens. to not feel needed. to not feel pressure. to not feel expectations hiding behind each touch or smile. for us to both be happy and in our power. for us to laugh.
he talked about permission. how a leg crossing or a hand brushing against another can be an invitation. how it has to be consensual. it has to flow. expectations kill the flow. if i'm only cuddling up to him because i want more, this is not a good reason to cuddle up. or if it is the reason, and i cuddle up, i have to be prepared for his response, whether or not my risk or action is met by one of equal or greater value, or if it is not met at all, if it is ignored or even pushed away.
in all this I WANT: to accept where we both are coming from. no one is better or worse. i want to not feel bad for feeling anything. i am in my own process. everyone has theirs. i want to make light of the awkwardness, find ways to break tension with humor. while this is a good tool to have, and i believe i have it, it is not my job, nor am i responsible to relieve everyone's tension. i want to see clearly and not have to know everything. i want to not think of every action or word as having dire consequences. we're doing the best we can.
affirmations for me:
i love where i am in this journey.
i love how open my heart is.
i am aware of my light and energy and give intent for it's protection.
i am aware of negative thoughts as they attempt to enter my field and i zap them accordingly like they are bugs.
i am looked after and supported by the greater universe, i have help and i can ask for it.
i love this process, i respect it's speed, i know like i know like i know that i am where i need to be.
i am so strong to be in this test. i am ready for the lessons i am learning. as they come old thought patterns and belief systems have permission to leave. as new energy, new learning is invited in, i shed anything which no longer serves me.
i am on a mountain looking at my life, large hills and open spaces, sun and shadows, and it is all so beautiful, every crease and fold, each bump and slope. i am here now, fleeting moment of clarity, not expecting to stay here, for the journey continues, there are more mountains, more cliffs, more tranquil ponds for reflection and more dark shady places of tears. but i appreciate this moment now, where i can see it all from this place, as i step back down on my path, i will remember that a little hieght, a little perspective, is sometimes all i need to remind myself of this. that it is a journey, not a destination, that it is my trust which carries me through.
WHAT HE WANTS: for it to be easy. not awkard. not tense. for it to flow. for it to happen organically, whatever happens. to not feel needed. to not feel pressure. to not feel expectations hiding behind each touch or smile. for us to both be happy and in our power. for us to laugh.
he talked about permission. how a leg crossing or a hand brushing against another can be an invitation. how it has to be consensual. it has to flow. expectations kill the flow. if i'm only cuddling up to him because i want more, this is not a good reason to cuddle up. or if it is the reason, and i cuddle up, i have to be prepared for his response, whether or not my risk or action is met by one of equal or greater value, or if it is not met at all, if it is ignored or even pushed away.
in all this I WANT: to accept where we both are coming from. no one is better or worse. i want to not feel bad for feeling anything. i am in my own process. everyone has theirs. i want to make light of the awkwardness, find ways to break tension with humor. while this is a good tool to have, and i believe i have it, it is not my job, nor am i responsible to relieve everyone's tension. i want to see clearly and not have to know everything. i want to not think of every action or word as having dire consequences. we're doing the best we can.
affirmations for me:
i love where i am in this journey.
i love how open my heart is.
i am aware of my light and energy and give intent for it's protection.
i am aware of negative thoughts as they attempt to enter my field and i zap them accordingly like they are bugs.
i am looked after and supported by the greater universe, i have help and i can ask for it.
i love this process, i respect it's speed, i know like i know like i know that i am where i need to be.
i am so strong to be in this test. i am ready for the lessons i am learning. as they come old thought patterns and belief systems have permission to leave. as new energy, new learning is invited in, i shed anything which no longer serves me.
i am on a mountain looking at my life, large hills and open spaces, sun and shadows, and it is all so beautiful, every crease and fold, each bump and slope. i am here now, fleeting moment of clarity, not expecting to stay here, for the journey continues, there are more mountains, more cliffs, more tranquil ponds for reflection and more dark shady places of tears. but i appreciate this moment now, where i can see it all from this place, as i step back down on my path, i will remember that a little hieght, a little perspective, is sometimes all i need to remind myself of this. that it is a journey, not a destination, that it is my trust which carries me through.
Subscribe to:
Posts (Atom)
