trust and tears

last night after some strangely massochistic act of self torture (reading letters cohdi and i wrote each other months ago...leading up to my coming here, filled with anticipation, romance, expression...) i marched over there to cry against the bump his shoulder made, and try the best i could to articulate why i was in pain. after some good old fashioned spilling my guts out, i got some clarity about where he's coming from.

WHAT HE WANTS: for it to be easy. not awkard. not tense. for it to flow. for it to happen organically, whatever happens. to not feel needed. to not feel pressure. to not feel expectations hiding behind each touch or smile. for us to both be happy and in our power. for us to laugh.

he talked about permission. how a leg crossing or a hand brushing against another can be an invitation. how it has to be consensual. it has to flow. expectations kill the flow. if i'm only cuddling up to him because i want more, this is not a good reason to cuddle up. or if it is the reason, and i cuddle up, i have to be prepared for his response, whether or not my risk or action is met by one of equal or greater value, or if it is not met at all, if it is ignored or even pushed away.

in all this I WANT: to accept where we both are coming from. no one is better or worse. i want to not feel bad for feeling anything. i am in my own process. everyone has theirs. i want to make light of the awkwardness, find ways to break tension with humor. while this is a good tool to have, and i believe i have it, it is not my job, nor am i responsible to relieve everyone's tension. i want to see clearly and not have to know everything. i want to not think of every action or word as having dire consequences. we're doing the best we can.

affirmations for me:

i love where i am in this journey.
i love how open my heart is.
i am aware of my light and energy and give intent for it's protection.
i am aware of negative thoughts as they attempt to enter my field and i zap them accordingly like they are bugs.
i am looked after and supported by the greater universe, i have help and i can ask for it.
i love this process, i respect it's speed, i know like i know like i know that i am where i need to be.

i am so strong to be in this test. i am ready for the lessons i am learning. as they come old thought patterns and belief systems have permission to leave. as new energy, new learning is invited in, i shed anything which no longer serves me.

i am on a mountain looking at my life, large hills and open spaces, sun and shadows, and it is all so beautiful, every crease and fold, each bump and slope. i am here now, fleeting moment of clarity, not expecting to stay here, for the journey continues, there are more mountains, more cliffs, more tranquil ponds for reflection and more dark shady places of tears. but i appreciate this moment now, where i can see it all from this place, as i step back down on my path, i will remember that a little hieght, a little perspective, is sometimes all i need to remind myself of this. that it is a journey, not a destination, that it is my trust which carries me through.