back on track

we talked again last night. took inventory. got it all out in the open.
it's amazing how honesty makes you feel so much better.
like a window opened, and the sun's pouring in, and the new air is cleansing out the old.

turns out we've been feeling almost exactly the same things, not knowing how to approach the other, still attracted, but sheepish about showing it. making small advances and feeling like the other person isn't meeting you. things like that.

so we spent a few hours re-connecting, looking through old photographs and watching video footage of cohdi and his friends dangling from strings.

we said goodnight and it felt real, lovely, and sweet.

here's hoping we've both learned from this.
and that we can get to this place easier next time.
trust, faith...

we'll see.

SUCKS

i should change the name of this blog to "INDIA: over-coming awkwardness, playing the fool and darting around the issue."

blah blah blah

feeling low again
seasonal
just a phase
wait it out
dodging people like bullets
alcohol makes me more myself
and that’s frightening
I’m aware of my dangerous tendencies
to look at the floor
and not engage
make no adjustments out of fear
my mantra
the tape is always slipping
so I forget to tell myself
all the things I know that help
I came here wanting to be in love
I came here wanting to be seen
as me
meet people who were intrigued
open
looking to meet me
but people are where they are
not always as curious
as open
not always looking to be seen
and meghan said I am a disarming person
my constant searching for authentic moments
although selective
some moments are better than others
I must think
because otherwise I could sit there
like that lady with the gorillas
jane something
and observe
simply observe
not judge
witness myself like from a cloud
and actors feel
so they say
I’m supposed to feel
the whole archetype of the tortured artist
bleeding heart and no where to turn but creation
and it’s sticky
trying to create
when I feel all this resistance
but in a way it’s brilliant
double edge talked about resistance
and clown talked about buoyancy
being able to bounce
not sink
and I don’t want to be
sinking
anymore
yesterday I asked myself for help
in the bathtub
kryon speaking through cohdi’s loudspeakers
channeling some wisdom
permission
it’s all about permission
permit thyself to be.
and the struggle is so much a part of it
I knew it would be
present, the struggle
kahlil gabran says your sorrow carves more room to hold joy
and I want to believe that is true
it sounds like it is
so maybe.
I don’t want to be somebody’s fool
If I’m not being my own
I wear my clown nose for myself
to allow you in
I will not be exploited
don’t expect to laugh at me
I will let you laugh when I’m ready
to be funny
I want to be funny
and I am
hilarious
to myself
in the empty space
when I’m all dressed up
and tripping over my words
and feet
and steps I pretend not to see
and it’s brilliant
the failure
it’s majestic
the flub-ups
so I look for them
so I can have release
I look for them
so I can let you see
all the imperfections I spend so much time obscuring
I let you see
and I want to be in that space always
without performing
always
willing to jump in and save the ship from falling
like in the circus
when something unexpected happens
the clowns are sent in
to save the day
I expect that of myself
and it’s insane
to save every falling moment
from crashing
burning
in social interactions
I expect myself to be on the ball
always
ready to keep us all afloat.
and who gave me that responsibility?
why is it up to me to keep it together
keep it flowing
I may be aware of the flow
but I am not in charge of it
I want to know when to jump in
when the current presents itself
I want to jump
I want to see the opening
and go
I want to drift
I want to be moved and pushed
I want to fly for a while
be taken somewhere
I need to go
I need release
I need to let go
I need to not think so much
look so hard
I need to be shaken
slapped and shaken
spit on
I need to be reminded of who I am
all this make-believe imagined “I know what I know”
bullshit
is getting in the way
of my silence
in the way of that place where I do know
really
that I am where I need to be
and sometimes I get a flash of that
I see this spot where I am
now
from the future
just a dot on my life’s path
and I like looking at it from there
looking it at it like it was one of many experiences of my life
one of many
that influenced the person that I am to become.
try to keep your head on
try to laugh more
try to have fun
and not get in the way.
everything is truly perfect.
I’ll see it that way.
maybe not till later.
but I will.
I’ll see it my way.
soon it will be something else
we’ll all be out of the water
plopped someplace totally new
where the colors are bright
and men hold hands
and steaming chai in pots
line the dusty streets
I am here
but the journey is still waiting to begin
I have arrived but haven’t left
I am getting ready I think
to leave all this behind
so I do
say goodbye
to my insecure longing for something other that what is
I am to be content without the waiting
be whole without the “coulds” and “shoulds.”
leaping
a running start
engine trouble but it’s back on track
pushing
wheels spinning
it goes somewhere
and it takes me there too.

penasco morning all alone

i slept in taos, it was too dark to see how beautiful it was. but in the morning i could see where i had slept. and now i'm back, home alone in penasco. doing laundry. sipping matte. performing for no one in the cold theatre, blasting music, singing loud.

untitled

last night's show was beautiful. the images, the lines made by the performer's bodies, androgynous and slender, high up on stilts, running, falling, back bends and swinging in the air, dressed in unusual robotic out-fits, electronic music, it was great.

after the show we went to a bar, i sat at the end of the table and felt incredible outside of the action, it was horrible. i drank two gin-and-tonics and was much more at ease. i really hate this dependency on alcohol our society has, what we need is permission from ourselves, not a chemical, to be free. i've got all the advice i need to give myself, now, it's time to hear it.

we went to a house-party where i danced and introduced myself to everyone. i felt great meeting people without cohdi's influence, these were people i was getting to know, on my own, some of them didn't know who cohdi was, and for some reason that felt great.

when he arrived (we drove separately, i was driven by anne, a friend i met at burning man, she was my date for the night) i was having fun, moving to the music, chatting it up, laughing. there's something about our delicate dynamic, once he was there, i was very aware of his presence in the room. my fun in front of him. how that felt. was it some kind of "i don't need you to enjoy myself" jab? or was i really just enjoying myself in the room, in a space, that we shared? so complicated, and petty these emotions...

there's certainly a bubble between us, a divide. he's more affectionate with me than i am with him, he's affectionate with everyone. and the friends he likes the best hang all over him, i think he needs that, and because i'm not giving it to him, maybe he senses there's something he's not doing, or something he's doing wrong. this isn't necessarily true, the only thing that feels wrong is something i'll take full responsibility for. it's my own inability to feel safe, secure, comfortable, confident in this new environment. if i had moved here, into an apartment maybe, in this entirely new town, knowing nobody...i would be in a better space. ready to make friends. ready to begin anew. instead, i have come here, i was invited, to live here, in a world that isn't mine, in a social dynamic so rigidly well-formed, with each person playing their role which greatly benefits the group. and i wonder, what role is mine? i am wanting a role.

as a clown, i step onstage and i am ready for anything. i am listening more than i am talking, more than i am making anything happen, i am listening for what it is, what it wants of me, the room, the audience, my body, the sounds...

i feel safer around these people with my clown nose on. i feel better behind a mask. they see me exactly as i am intending them to, i am in control of myself, complete control, i am a craftsman, i am building something, and i am sharing, they are watching me create.

in life without the nose, without an agreement, without the pact we make the one where i say yes, i will be ridiculous, yes, i will risk everything for you...without this i am a person struggling to keep my feet on the floor, stuggling to stay in myself, not wander away. it's a struggle to not get involved in the energies of other people, get lost in them. sometimes i wonder when i'm looking into someone's eyes, if i'm searching too deep, if i look away, will we have to start all over?

i woke up this morning in anne's living room, and i left the house without saying more than 5 words to cohdi. i couldn't be there. i just left. on my walk i found a little crepe shop and i ordered breakfast and spilled my guts into a notebook for an hour and a half. my text message to cohdi read: i found a place to eat. i'm enjoying my solitude. call me if you want to hang out later.

i kept putting on the page WHAT DO YOU WANT? is it him? and my words avoided and redirected, everytime.

i know this, i want ease. all i want right now, is an ease, a lightness, a return to the open, ready, available, non-expectant feeling of self that i've held on to before. i know i am capable, now, for god's sake, where are YOU evan?

i sat in the cathedral, this very old cathedral for st. francis of asisi (sp?), and i lit a candle, one for me, one for cohdi, and one for chenelle and her family. her grandmother is sick, her heart is growing weak, and i thought how small and insignificant my "problems" are. how i'm taking these issues, this confusion, this frustration to india, where some people have no place to bathe, nothing to eat, arms the width of fishing poles. who am i to fret about this? to not be greatful? have joy?

a cycle of self-loathing, anger at myself for feeling what i'm feeling, isn't the answer i need. what help does that do?

intentions:

i give intent with all my power and trust in the universe to live my day to day life with integrity, strength, compassion and humor.

i give intent to see the light. to look for god everywhere. to see myself in others.

i give intent to re-connect with my inner-joy. that it may be outer-joy soon.

later this day i sat across the table and looked at cohdi and everytime i have to recognize him all over again, i see him, and there's a "i know you?" feeling. like seeing him at burning man dancing with him, this stranger, pure synchronicity at work, that we were at the same place at the same time, and he knew who he was dancing with long before i saw who this man was, this man in a head dress, short shorts, covered in dust and made-up like a dream.

the truth of course is that we don't know eachother. not at all really. but this person was the person on the phone, was the person in those emails, and that person sounded sincere, we both did, like we had something to say, but we lost it. and now we talk about the weather.

michelle called me back while i was sitting on a bench in the sunshine. she told me what i needed to hear. that this process is unfolding exactly as it needs to, as it has to. we are right where we need to be.

1/25

sitting in the sunshine with a cup of strong coffee and chatting with cohdi about his show tonight. the show's called FLEXION and it's the one he and alessondra were working on in florida, where they both lived for 6 weeks during the show's creation, lounging in jennifer lopez's old digs (yes, that's right, j-lo herself). the show starts at 7:30 and this is the first time i've officially seen their work, though they would both argue this in NOT their work, it is something they were hired to do, nothing close to their shared artistic vision. the man who directed is big in the "acrobatic stilt-walking" world. it was a collaboration between the miami cultural center and wise fool, the company alessondra founded in sante fe, the company which sarah-jane and amanda are affiliated (without whose affiliation i certainly wouldn't be here).

i am very excited to see my friends in action. the day is glorious, we're about ready to head down the hill, laura is giving me a ride, she's teaching contortion classes at a dance center called "moving people" today, so she won't be seeing the show this evening. i'm going to have a nice day by myself, wandering the streets, and reading books and all that lovely stuff you can do in a town larger than penasco (coffee shops, record stores, treating yourself to a snack.) this morning i played around as alvin, my clown, in the freezing cold theatre, i didn't want to turn the heat on, it takes to long, and i only needed a quick refresher, to start my day. then i helped push a gaint truck and trailer out of our backyard, where it was stuck in the snow, wheels spinning, trying to simply drop off a load of fresh cut wood. after about 45 minutes of pushing and shoveling and placing cardboard and straw under the wheels for traction, and talking to the guy about random details of our lives for small talk (he referred to us as our "states" because between the 5 of us, we make a lot of marks on the atlas). he was a funny guy, he might come back and let us play around on his buddy's snow-mobile, if he can sell him on penasco's hamburgers (they live in taos).

anyway, enough for now. laura's ready for me to load up and get out of here. i'll let you know how the show goes.

clown clown clown

today i played around in the space and it was a total blast oh my god. i shared my characters with laura and cohdi and they loved it. first there was alvin macgee trying to jump up and hang from the trapeeze. falling a lot. twitching of course, desparately trying to straighten his clothes, tuck in his shirt, fix his hair. i found in my playing a new prop, raisins! little boxed raisins, they are alvin's favorite snack! yes! he has a lot of trouble getting them open (the little boxes), they fling everywhere, he picks them up while down on his knees and he munches away. oh that crazy clown. man, i sound insane talking about him like he's a person. but it feels that way sometimes. he was singing at one point, and i have never heard him sing. that was nice. and he played with a cake pan, but the cake of course got burnt. things i like, while playing him: trying to be cool as a cucumber, hang tight, stand at ease, look comfortable, failing of course, trying to just hang out, be there, not fidget. next in my character demo for laura and cohdi i showed them the newly revamped tommy granola, no clown nose, he's shirtless, wearing bell bottoms and completely idiotic. he's very half formed, as far as characters go, i still want to find him a new voice. his pelvis moves are working though. for sure. i like the head tilted back, the utra cool persona, totally chill, but rambling nonsence. unaware of how completely stupid he sounds, how ridiculous his attempts are to be sey, hip, down to earth. i need to find a layer working underneath, okay so he's not REALLY that smooth, deep down he's (blank). i'm looking for his heart, what's really down there. maybe a tiny little child wanting desparately to be admired, validated, loved. i'm looking for ways to expose him to others, while keeping his truth veiled to himself. and then there was mitch, the scary rubber masked redneck who mumbles about tools and roughing up out of towners. he's fun to play. he always talks about his frustrating experiences at the auto part store, or the hardware store, the hired help is never up to par with mitch. he is a total placerville-inspired beer burping man's man. awesome. his limbs and neck are stiff, too much back-breaking work with his hands, he is overtly masculine and rough, you don't want to mess with him. there is certainly a tragic side to mitch, behind his gruff exterior, and his finger-pointing tangents, he cannot figure out why it's so dang hard for him to connect with people. he blames everyone but himself. at least out loud. something tells me there's an insecure mitch that haunts his dreams. last but not least was wolly, which is a working name, for my commedia masked character, he was british tonight, but i'm not entirely convinced that's what he wants to be. other times wolly takes the form of a police man, a totally inept police man, issuing tickets for random stupid offenses. speaking in lingo and jargon only he knows, this keeps his selp-important image in tact, although no one really respects him. he always walks away feeling like he's on top. let me tell you it is so fun having a space to use, virtually whenever i want. so great. and now i know how to tie up the aerial equipment so it's out of the way, and turn on and off the lights and heater, and play music over the loud speakers. perfect. the night was capped with some wine and cheese and talking with laura my new roomie about life and love and sex and art and a million other things that could go on forever if you let them. she gave me a shoulder rub, and man i needed it. earlier in the day, i shopped and bought a load of food and some kombucha to drink, which i have been severely missing. and some warm woolen booties. great day. the new vibe with me and cohdi is great. totally awesome. we're much more at ease around eachother i think. there are still moments of course where i want to pounce him or sneak a kiss, but it's not time for that (yet?). i'm always open. we'll see. i think it's good we're getting to know eachother this way. yes. it is. it's all good.

changes

so last night we made a change. i was feeling very much in need of one, a change that is, things were feeling heavy, kinda stagnant, not good there for a little bit.
i think walking into a situation like this, it's very dangerous to have any kind of relationship expectations, even though i was doing my damndest (just read my other blogs) it's natural when your only ways of relating to someone are romantic, to be plopped into this crazy "living together" in the middle of nowhere thing, is insane. so we backed off. such a good idea.
we, cohdi and i, had an amazingly articulate and intimate conversation about how are nervousness with one another, our self-inflicted closed-ness and timidity were toxic, in so far as creating a creative and supportive environment and unit, meaning the unit we will have to be (the four of us) when we travel to india. the best way to create that support and that freedom is by stepping back, i think, from any kind of forced romantic obligation, which is what it was quickly becoming between us. so i moved out. i'm now living right across the street. and although this may seem like a quick and bold move, it is so the right thing.
instantly we felt better around eachother, lighter without any label or weird emotionally pre-mature dynamic binding us together.
instantly after our talk we were joking more, we were playing, laughing, being more ourselves. THAT'S how you get to know eachother. but not getting in the way of HOW you are seeing the other person. that's a lot of pressure, sleeping in one bed with a near-stranger, and trying to stay at my best creatively, so i can collaborate and socialize in a totally new, strange and uncomfortable new environment (hello, 23 degrees outside!).
anyway, i moved in with laura and alessondra, and they are super sweet. and it's like i said only 25 paces away from cohdi's place, so it's not a huge shift, althought it kinda is.
it's good. i wrote him a letter basically saying how proud i am of us, for being so open so early and risking so much.
it's good. and besides, who the hell knows what'll happen. i don't want to.
i like where it is now. it's open, it's honest, it's real. it's easy.

day two penasco.

silent snow is falling, floating down, dusting everything clean and white.
i can't find my plaid pants, they must've been flung off (perhaps in a fit of passion)
not under the bed, not in any visible nook or cranny, perhaps they've decided to go away to that great empty lost place, where stubborn things go when they don't want to be found.

cohdi is at alasondra's house with laura, it will be the four of us in india, and i feel really good about this group. they're making a large vegetarian feast which i unfortunately won't be enjoying because my belly is still stuffed full from the potluck meal i had at some wonderful artists' house down the street. alasondra models nude for them now and then, and she couldn't this time, because they had a rehearsal in the theatre today. i volunteered to take her place, and now i'm $63 richer and no longer hungry (the weekly figure drawing group always includes "free-eats"). everyone there was so kind, all of them in their late fifties, early sixties, ex-hippies, pot-smokers, full of stories and somewhat parental advice. i did 6 or 8 2 minute poses and then about a couple 10 minute ones and then 4 25 minute poses. it was exhausting. all the while i found myself coping with the stillness and the discomfort by focuses on a fixed point, imaging myself in some ridiculous scenerio (walking into battle, defeated by love, left in a heap of bodies to rot). they said i was a natural and several of the artists gave me their sketches. over pie we talked about dreams and what they mean, breakthroughs in brain science, teleportation and what is was like living in fear of the draft.

yesterday was fun. we went to a cabaret show at the wise fool space in sante fe. wise fool is a circus training center and performance venue and cohdi and alasondra are often involved in collaborations and exchanges with them. the show itself was somewhat miserable. cheesy, ridiculous, full of plastic smiles, and un-funny clowns who were more irritating than anything. it's bizarre being here, and being completely immersed in this very tight circus community. the first day i was here (after waking up next to cohdi, and starting the day with matte through a metal straw) we attended a "circus yoga" class in the penasco theatre space (which, i might add, is RIGHT next door to cohdi's place). it was great making the connections between the work that these people do and the work i do, the terms vary a little, and the effect isn't always the same (theatre doesn't ALWAYS aim to razzle and dazzle) but the way in which we discussed teaching (it was mostly a course for TEACHERS of circus) it was easily applicable to teaching or faciliating a theatre workshop. we talked about games that are non-verbal that get younger kids excited about impovisation and play. the teachers were from the east coast, a company called "cicus minimus," very sweet folks.

it's after 5 now and it's getting dark. might be the cloud cover, or maybe that's when it gets dark here in penasco. i am wearing a newly acquired fleece pull-over that one of the ex-hippy artists donated to me. they were so lovely. "no jacket? sweety go pull something out of the closet, you don't wear all those coats..." the lady of the house ordered her husband. it's cozy. i'm sure i'll be wearing it a lot.

i'm so curious to see how my work can fuse or be worked into the work of these people. how character and story can add to the aerial work of the trapeze, of the hung silks and suspended ropes. while they're flying through the air, risking boldly, jumping and twirling and tangling themselves into knots, perhaps there's a place for me on the ground, with my masks, my clown, some kind of human perspective, to make it more acceptable or more open to the audience as mataphor for human lives and emotion. more than just a trick or a feat of daring, but something externalized, an impulse from within.

cohdi is a sweet man. we are having fun getting to know eachother, and all the people around him are swell. totally inspired and motivated. really fun and creative. i so thrilled about the many prospects for the future, either with me making a home here, or coming to work on something, traveling, who knows.

india is like some distant fog that's due to roll in. you can't see it but it's coming. each time that word INDIA is mentioned i get electricity that runs through me, i feel a spark of something, real and tangible, i feel it in my body. this thing. these next three months. wild.

that's all right now. i will write more as it comes. and photos should accompany my next post.

from the NEW (mexico) homefront,
evan :)

the day after today...

i leave tomorrow at 5:30pm out of the sacramento international airport. i will be arriving in new mexico at 10pm (i'll be losing an hour), and it will be 20 degrees outside, maybe less, according to the weather forecast on yahoo.com.

i have my visa stamped. my india guidebooks on hand. i have yet to pack, but that won't take long. i will save it for the morning. yes, i will.

i am too tired to write much more, though beneath this sleepy skin, i assure you, i am screaming with delight, excitement, earth-shattering joy and curiousity.

i throw up my hands at the thought, who knows...

goodnight,
evan.

keir's drum circle

well, last night was too amazing to not document here. i'm still in the preparation phase of my journey, collecting books to bring with me, and talking about it constantly..i actually bought a new digital camera, so small and perfect for travel, and i am definitely planning on using it A LOT and posting my trip's pics here.

about last night, my brother set the stage for some really powerful transformation in placerville.
saturday night's at 7pm he's hosting a drum circle at sacred paths yoga studio on canal street. he did such an amazing job of holding the energy, people felt so intoxicated by the vibe in the room, the lightening was all-natural fire, and placed directly in the circle, everyone's face was orange and gold in shadow as they pounded away everyone in synch with the inner-pulsing we all hold within, so magical.

it was so spontaneous. it happened so naturally. someone picks up something, throws it into the pot, and it changes the room, every one adjusts. no one held on to "their" rhythm..it's was the support and listening i found so inspiring, how every one was so eager to keep the ball passing around, not letting it drop.

afterwards, in the closing circle, hands clasped and eyes sparkling, on some kind man's advice, we chanted:

"spiraling into the center. the center of the wheel.
spiraling into the center. the center of the wheel.
i am the weaver. i am the woven one. i am the weaver i am the weave.
i am the weaver. i am the woven one. i am the weaver i am the weave.
i am the dreamer. i am the chosen one. i am the dreamer i am the dream.
i am the dreamer. i am the chosen one. i am the dreamer i am the dream."



the energy today is building. there are things happening all around me which point to positive change for the world. people i meet, communities gathering.

this is what the new world looks like.

new years 2007

just starting to write about my feelings about cohdi and going away for a while.
its a new year and everything truly is all around me new.
writing this i'm at my parent's house in a room i share for the time being (3 more weeks)
with my brother, but he's not here. the room is dim and candlelit and it smells like frankincense, dragon's blood (it promotes dreams) and sage.
i thought about it and my word this year is: manifest.
i am making it happen.
i leave for cohdi's desert home on the 15th of january.
once i'm there i'm there. there i will be.
wow.
and from our month together there, where we will get to know each other all over again, we fly away to india. to perform, and educate, and be inspired and changed and challenged and who knows what else.
i'm starting this blog to document the roller-coaster i have ahead of me.
diving head first into a new relationship is scary and exciting enough. thrilling and joyful and horrifying enough. but here i am about to go to a 3rd world country with a near-complete stranger. someone i just met this last summer, and spent all of one week with.
we met at my friend sarah-jane's wedding. i performed as a clown and introduced the desserts. he spun fire at the after party half-naked and sweating, i nearly fainted.
we each dodged around the other. attempting to appear coy, aloof, less than overtly interested.
i kept asking him out for a smoke, although i don't really, smoke that is.
in our talks i was so immediately taken by such an enthusiasm and zest, and we could share it, i thought, this total immersion and sacred passion we each have for what we do.
and after he left me at the party with a drink in hand to run an errand, not sure if he'd return, i danced alone and made faces with the brides. they are such characters. i was like some kind of blushing love-freak. totally like i want to feel always, giggly and immature, illogically in love.
and he came back and we made out like porn stars all night long.
we met up a month later in the middle of nevada at burning man 2006. we partied like rockstars, shared many a burn barrel to keep warm, and talked in his tent until one of us saw the other was snoring.
so cumulatively we've spent all of one week together. maybe.
and it's been 4 months since i've seen his face. felt that feeling of being seen so clearly.
on the phone you try to make it up.
you try to create that.
you talk a lot about things. what happend that day.
what life is like on your side of the country.
i leave california for 3 months in a matter of weeks. and once i land, that's it. hold on.
there's a lot of work to do.
teaching clown workshops requires building lesson plans. i'm going to experiment in new mexico with cohdi's students some things, see what works without words. without the language barrier.
i'm bringing tons of funny props, masks, characters i've made over the last year or so, either during my time at dell'arte up in blue lake, california, or at home, freaking out my parents, or with my performing partner jamie last summer.
i'm going to be as ready as i can be for a totally life changing experience.
i've never felt so honestly invested in the notion of not knowing. diving into the abyss. throwing my arms up to the wind and saying, what the hell, take me!
here goes nothing. and everything.
we'll see where this blog goes.
i hope to document to the best of my ability, the steps i walk along the way. the bridges, the tunnels, the fuck-ups, and the fun.
here's to 2007, and getting to know someone really well because you want to. and india. and diving.

:) evan
2:27 am
1/1/2007