new years 2007

just starting to write about my feelings about cohdi and going away for a while.
its a new year and everything truly is all around me new.
writing this i'm at my parent's house in a room i share for the time being (3 more weeks)
with my brother, but he's not here. the room is dim and candlelit and it smells like frankincense, dragon's blood (it promotes dreams) and sage.
i thought about it and my word this year is: manifest.
i am making it happen.
i leave for cohdi's desert home on the 15th of january.
once i'm there i'm there. there i will be.
wow.
and from our month together there, where we will get to know each other all over again, we fly away to india. to perform, and educate, and be inspired and changed and challenged and who knows what else.
i'm starting this blog to document the roller-coaster i have ahead of me.
diving head first into a new relationship is scary and exciting enough. thrilling and joyful and horrifying enough. but here i am about to go to a 3rd world country with a near-complete stranger. someone i just met this last summer, and spent all of one week with.
we met at my friend sarah-jane's wedding. i performed as a clown and introduced the desserts. he spun fire at the after party half-naked and sweating, i nearly fainted.
we each dodged around the other. attempting to appear coy, aloof, less than overtly interested.
i kept asking him out for a smoke, although i don't really, smoke that is.
in our talks i was so immediately taken by such an enthusiasm and zest, and we could share it, i thought, this total immersion and sacred passion we each have for what we do.
and after he left me at the party with a drink in hand to run an errand, not sure if he'd return, i danced alone and made faces with the brides. they are such characters. i was like some kind of blushing love-freak. totally like i want to feel always, giggly and immature, illogically in love.
and he came back and we made out like porn stars all night long.
we met up a month later in the middle of nevada at burning man 2006. we partied like rockstars, shared many a burn barrel to keep warm, and talked in his tent until one of us saw the other was snoring.
so cumulatively we've spent all of one week together. maybe.
and it's been 4 months since i've seen his face. felt that feeling of being seen so clearly.
on the phone you try to make it up.
you try to create that.
you talk a lot about things. what happend that day.
what life is like on your side of the country.
i leave california for 3 months in a matter of weeks. and once i land, that's it. hold on.
there's a lot of work to do.
teaching clown workshops requires building lesson plans. i'm going to experiment in new mexico with cohdi's students some things, see what works without words. without the language barrier.
i'm bringing tons of funny props, masks, characters i've made over the last year or so, either during my time at dell'arte up in blue lake, california, or at home, freaking out my parents, or with my performing partner jamie last summer.
i'm going to be as ready as i can be for a totally life changing experience.
i've never felt so honestly invested in the notion of not knowing. diving into the abyss. throwing my arms up to the wind and saying, what the hell, take me!
here goes nothing. and everything.
we'll see where this blog goes.
i hope to document to the best of my ability, the steps i walk along the way. the bridges, the tunnels, the fuck-ups, and the fun.
here's to 2007, and getting to know someone really well because you want to. and india. and diving.

:) evan
2:27 am
1/1/2007