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last night's show was beautiful. the images, the lines made by the performer's bodies, androgynous and slender, high up on stilts, running, falling, back bends and swinging in the air, dressed in unusual robotic out-fits, electronic music, it was great.

after the show we went to a bar, i sat at the end of the table and felt incredible outside of the action, it was horrible. i drank two gin-and-tonics and was much more at ease. i really hate this dependency on alcohol our society has, what we need is permission from ourselves, not a chemical, to be free. i've got all the advice i need to give myself, now, it's time to hear it.

we went to a house-party where i danced and introduced myself to everyone. i felt great meeting people without cohdi's influence, these were people i was getting to know, on my own, some of them didn't know who cohdi was, and for some reason that felt great.

when he arrived (we drove separately, i was driven by anne, a friend i met at burning man, she was my date for the night) i was having fun, moving to the music, chatting it up, laughing. there's something about our delicate dynamic, once he was there, i was very aware of his presence in the room. my fun in front of him. how that felt. was it some kind of "i don't need you to enjoy myself" jab? or was i really just enjoying myself in the room, in a space, that we shared? so complicated, and petty these emotions...

there's certainly a bubble between us, a divide. he's more affectionate with me than i am with him, he's affectionate with everyone. and the friends he likes the best hang all over him, i think he needs that, and because i'm not giving it to him, maybe he senses there's something he's not doing, or something he's doing wrong. this isn't necessarily true, the only thing that feels wrong is something i'll take full responsibility for. it's my own inability to feel safe, secure, comfortable, confident in this new environment. if i had moved here, into an apartment maybe, in this entirely new town, knowing nobody...i would be in a better space. ready to make friends. ready to begin anew. instead, i have come here, i was invited, to live here, in a world that isn't mine, in a social dynamic so rigidly well-formed, with each person playing their role which greatly benefits the group. and i wonder, what role is mine? i am wanting a role.

as a clown, i step onstage and i am ready for anything. i am listening more than i am talking, more than i am making anything happen, i am listening for what it is, what it wants of me, the room, the audience, my body, the sounds...

i feel safer around these people with my clown nose on. i feel better behind a mask. they see me exactly as i am intending them to, i am in control of myself, complete control, i am a craftsman, i am building something, and i am sharing, they are watching me create.

in life without the nose, without an agreement, without the pact we make the one where i say yes, i will be ridiculous, yes, i will risk everything for you...without this i am a person struggling to keep my feet on the floor, stuggling to stay in myself, not wander away. it's a struggle to not get involved in the energies of other people, get lost in them. sometimes i wonder when i'm looking into someone's eyes, if i'm searching too deep, if i look away, will we have to start all over?

i woke up this morning in anne's living room, and i left the house without saying more than 5 words to cohdi. i couldn't be there. i just left. on my walk i found a little crepe shop and i ordered breakfast and spilled my guts into a notebook for an hour and a half. my text message to cohdi read: i found a place to eat. i'm enjoying my solitude. call me if you want to hang out later.

i kept putting on the page WHAT DO YOU WANT? is it him? and my words avoided and redirected, everytime.

i know this, i want ease. all i want right now, is an ease, a lightness, a return to the open, ready, available, non-expectant feeling of self that i've held on to before. i know i am capable, now, for god's sake, where are YOU evan?

i sat in the cathedral, this very old cathedral for st. francis of asisi (sp?), and i lit a candle, one for me, one for cohdi, and one for chenelle and her family. her grandmother is sick, her heart is growing weak, and i thought how small and insignificant my "problems" are. how i'm taking these issues, this confusion, this frustration to india, where some people have no place to bathe, nothing to eat, arms the width of fishing poles. who am i to fret about this? to not be greatful? have joy?

a cycle of self-loathing, anger at myself for feeling what i'm feeling, isn't the answer i need. what help does that do?

intentions:

i give intent with all my power and trust in the universe to live my day to day life with integrity, strength, compassion and humor.

i give intent to see the light. to look for god everywhere. to see myself in others.

i give intent to re-connect with my inner-joy. that it may be outer-joy soon.

later this day i sat across the table and looked at cohdi and everytime i have to recognize him all over again, i see him, and there's a "i know you?" feeling. like seeing him at burning man dancing with him, this stranger, pure synchronicity at work, that we were at the same place at the same time, and he knew who he was dancing with long before i saw who this man was, this man in a head dress, short shorts, covered in dust and made-up like a dream.

the truth of course is that we don't know eachother. not at all really. but this person was the person on the phone, was the person in those emails, and that person sounded sincere, we both did, like we had something to say, but we lost it. and now we talk about the weather.

michelle called me back while i was sitting on a bench in the sunshine. she told me what i needed to hear. that this process is unfolding exactly as it needs to, as it has to. we are right where we need to be.