new clothes

i went to the penasco dump today and in their "re-use center" (an adobe building, covered with spray-paint faces and skulls) and i got a bunch of funky clown clothes to take with us to india. let's see, there's the over-sized bubble gum pink prom dress, the purple jumpsuit, the metalic blouse, the orange board shorts...good stuff. we leave in 6 days. that is so unimaginable.

after the dump i walked to the ice cream parlor and ordered a cone and a scratcher. i sat and ate it with the owner sitting at my table next to me, as we watched fuzzy soap operas and i scratched at my lottery ticket (no win).

the show opens tonight. my techie duties are all recorded on my cue sheets i spent all afternoon yeterday typing up. my little tech booth (the old projection booth, in the theatre) feels homey, i like it. you have to climb a ladder to get up there, but it's nice, there's a window, and it's all my domain.

we had a run-thru last night. a few minor gliches, we hope to work out tonight before the show. i had one or two late cues. it'll be in good shape tonight. i feel good about it.

today we've still got to sweep the theatre, mop, vacuum the carpets, wash the seats. tidy up the loby display...it's so exciting and i feel so nostalgic and happy being "a part of a show." it reminds me of that feeling before every show i've ever done, me as tiny tim, 7 years old, all dressed up and made up, waiting backstage to go on.

things with cohdi and i are fine. nothing too special. kinda distant, but friendly. like we're business partners. he's not feeling well and i sometimes feel the urge to comfort him, be someone he can lean on, but i resist. i think i'm protecting myself.

it's odd. spending a lot of time in groups. with our various clearly defined roles...it makes things less about us. as a pair. a relationship. i am the tech guy (i need a tech guy hat, haha) and that's why i'm here. i don't feel sad about this. i feel relieved that there is some clarity, something concrete, a real reason for my being here.

i wonder what it looks like to him. me pulling away? maybe. he's not getting a lot of individual attention from me these days. not a lot of one-on-one time either, so things kinda just float along. not really evolving, just staying safely beyond arms reach.

if we do share a moment, like a goodbye, or an empty kitchen, tea kettle moment...then sometimes there's an urge to talk about it. what "we've" become. but i again, resist. resisting the "we" conversation. or any "we" thoughts. for now at least.

for now.